Imagine if you will years spent alone, not necessarily by myself but feeling like a glove on a shelf without its match, not much use.
One day I chance to find a cd, and from the first song I am struck - pow! - and every surrounding sound fades away. I know the songs, I could have written them. I don't know the words, but this is the music that's been playing in my head my entire life. Mysterious.. how can a stranger sing a song that grabs my soul and shakes it and says, "Hey YOU! Wake up! I want to dance..." and all of a sudden: Inspiration. The future has become a positive, instead of the long dull fall through eternity (end quote). Tragedy is tramping his tawny bones sullenly out the back door while Comedy is bounding up the front steps for a bear hug. The awe-some sound continues, through the second song and the third. Two minutes into the fourth, the song that makes me move my feet and drum on my thighs whether I like it or not, two minutes in, two unbelievable and exhilarating minutes in, the music has become so intense I could die, and then the CD skips... in my excitement I kicked the table and now gasp in horror at the spoiled perfection of a quarter of a second of sound trapped in a loop, "Ra..Ra..Ra..Ra..Ra..Ra...."
What do I do now? I couldn't restart it where it left off, wouldn't make any sense.. I tried starting the song over, but I couldn't stop anticipating what I had already heard. How do I recapture the novelty of a First Kiss? I have to listen to the CD all over again, and not right away either, first I had to forget. For hundreds of days, I've forgotten, and I've remembered. Each day I've forgotten more of the words, the rhythms, the notes, but I've remembered the way I danced to it. So now I'm left with something that couldn't even be called a memory, more like an imprint, the soundtrack to my life, I've got a song stuck in my head that I don't know the words to. I think it's time to listen to it again..
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Saturday, September 6, 2008
My "stoic" upbringing
My "stoic" upbringing
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stoicism
Well thats what my parents called it anyway. A "stoic" upbringing apparently was the thing to do back in those days.
No feelings, no affection, and if you did something wrong the punishments were severe.
My parents who were alcholics treated us as nothing more then bar tenders and house keepers. Frequently sending us to get them "refills" and to toss the old cans/bottles out and to get them new ones and you better make sure you open the new ones for them too.
As the alcohol flowed the abuse from my father got much much worse. I have vivid memories of him first destroying all my brothers records all over the house. and then him jumping up and down on my brother's leg during one of his fits. This was the only time I ever saw my mother step in to stop him cause "she didnt want to take him to the hospital".
My brothers used to say I was lucky cause I was the only girl and he didnt seem to hit me as much. For a while they were right.
When school started I used to be the first one home from school and I would sometimes find that my father was also home and drinking. Since no one was around, and I was the first one home I was his first target to vent any of his frustrations after work. There were several times I would come home and he would just start beating the crap out of me. Many times with me shouting to him "why why why what did i do" usually he had no answer and would tell me to shut up.
One day after being his punching bag for the afternoon I snuck out of the house to get away for a bit. I came across one my neigbors (also my godfather as luck will have it) who was standing in his dog pen yelling at his dog. Curious I stopped to see what was going on and with horror I watched as he started to kick and beat this dog up. Picking him up a few times and throwing him against the dog house.
When he was done he just looked at me and said "damn dog" and went into the house. I went into the dog pen and hugged the poor thing and made sure it was alright. It was shivering and weakly wagging its tail at me. I had a good long cry then. As I left i whispered to the dog... "i know what you are going through".
After a while I went back home and from then on I leared to go "numb" whenever my father turned his rage on me. I would be scared when he turned it towards my brothers or when he and my mother had their nasty arguments.
To this day I still have that abilty to go numb. I dont cry for myself. I do however have lots of empathy for others and I will cry for others even complete strangers.
I don't truely wish for others to be worried about me or say "oh my gosh how horrible for you". I feel like the "stoic" upbringing has made me who I am today. I dont feel sorry for myself, I dont dwell on it cause I know I had to move past it, almost as if it never even happened. Cause if I let it back in I feel it will crush me.
Time for movin on.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stoicism
Well thats what my parents called it anyway. A "stoic" upbringing apparently was the thing to do back in those days.
No feelings, no affection, and if you did something wrong the punishments were severe.
My parents who were alcholics treated us as nothing more then bar tenders and house keepers. Frequently sending us to get them "refills" and to toss the old cans/bottles out and to get them new ones and you better make sure you open the new ones for them too.
As the alcohol flowed the abuse from my father got much much worse. I have vivid memories of him first destroying all my brothers records all over the house. and then him jumping up and down on my brother's leg during one of his fits. This was the only time I ever saw my mother step in to stop him cause "she didnt want to take him to the hospital".
My brothers used to say I was lucky cause I was the only girl and he didnt seem to hit me as much. For a while they were right.
When school started I used to be the first one home from school and I would sometimes find that my father was also home and drinking. Since no one was around, and I was the first one home I was his first target to vent any of his frustrations after work. There were several times I would come home and he would just start beating the crap out of me. Many times with me shouting to him "why why why what did i do" usually he had no answer and would tell me to shut up.
One day after being his punching bag for the afternoon I snuck out of the house to get away for a bit. I came across one my neigbors (also my godfather as luck will have it) who was standing in his dog pen yelling at his dog. Curious I stopped to see what was going on and with horror I watched as he started to kick and beat this dog up. Picking him up a few times and throwing him against the dog house.
When he was done he just looked at me and said "damn dog" and went into the house. I went into the dog pen and hugged the poor thing and made sure it was alright. It was shivering and weakly wagging its tail at me. I had a good long cry then. As I left i whispered to the dog... "i know what you are going through".
After a while I went back home and from then on I leared to go "numb" whenever my father turned his rage on me. I would be scared when he turned it towards my brothers or when he and my mother had their nasty arguments.
To this day I still have that abilty to go numb. I dont cry for myself. I do however have lots of empathy for others and I will cry for others even complete strangers.
I don't truely wish for others to be worried about me or say "oh my gosh how horrible for you". I feel like the "stoic" upbringing has made me who I am today. I dont feel sorry for myself, I dont dwell on it cause I know I had to move past it, almost as if it never even happened. Cause if I let it back in I feel it will crush me.
Time for movin on.
Storm Front
As I sit here in NJ and wait for the reminants of the hurricane to hit us, I noticed havent written in a while, been kinda busy with summer events and whatnot. The most recent was a trip to GA to see my brother.
I traveled down to GA by car and offered to bring my mother along since with her being so old and having such bad eyesite, unless my father gets off his butt and brings her down she would have never seen the place.
My brother and I spent alot of time getting her to talk about the old days and us growing up. My childhood, as many of you who have seen my myspace blog know, was not all rosie and peachy so this was a very touchy subject.
I'll probably spend a bit of time exploring it here in the next few blogs. First I'll post what I have already posted on myspace then take it from there. It seems as tho we have opened pandora's box.
I traveled down to GA by car and offered to bring my mother along since with her being so old and having such bad eyesite, unless my father gets off his butt and brings her down she would have never seen the place.
My brother and I spent alot of time getting her to talk about the old days and us growing up. My childhood, as many of you who have seen my myspace blog know, was not all rosie and peachy so this was a very touchy subject.
I'll probably spend a bit of time exploring it here in the next few blogs. First I'll post what I have already posted on myspace then take it from there. It seems as tho we have opened pandora's box.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Bittersweet Vigal
There is a bittersweet vigal going on in my life.
First a newborn baby boy. All giggles all happyness pure and sweet and innocent. One can feel nothing but joy around him.
Second his mommy. Clinging to life after giving birth to him. Chances to survive are grim. Every hour that passes brings her closer to the end.
Perhaps the family can take comfort in the fact that the sweet little boy will live on. He will be her legacy.
Do they laugh and smile at the newfound joy, or cry at the loss.
One request tonight.... pray for them.... their's is not an easy road ahead.
First a newborn baby boy. All giggles all happyness pure and sweet and innocent. One can feel nothing but joy around him.
Second his mommy. Clinging to life after giving birth to him. Chances to survive are grim. Every hour that passes brings her closer to the end.
Perhaps the family can take comfort in the fact that the sweet little boy will live on. He will be her legacy.
Do they laugh and smile at the newfound joy, or cry at the loss.
One request tonight.... pray for them.... their's is not an easy road ahead.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Spirits?
One thing about working in a hospital is..... the never ending speculation of are there spirits?
My friend Rosalie says that every time a patient dies that she believes they linger around the hospital for at least an hour.
So I was sitting in the office with the night nursing supervisor and shes giving me report about what went on over night and what I can expect during the day as per usual. Then she starts telling me how tired she was cause she worked all night (12 hours) But was up and at the hospital at 1pm the day before as one of her friends was in the hospital dying.
I tell her how sorry I am to hear that and she explains that yea he was really sick so hes in a better place now.
Then we both go back to our respective jobs when all of a sudden a huge pile of paper that was tucked into one of the other supervisors' mailbox neatly suddenly goes flying. (I dont see it happen but i hear it.)
She was shocked and said hey I didnt do anything and pages one of the other staff that knew this friend to come look.
They both were a little shaken and said yea that is something their friend might have done. A way of saying i'm still here and I am still a prankster.
I guess I woulda been shaken too but I didnt know the person who had passed. But I did admit that the papers logically shouldnt have "Fallen" like that. In fact I was there when that supervisor was telling me that she had finally gone through her cubby and cleaned out alot of stuff. Everything was in there nice and neat and flat.
Makes you wonder doesn't it?
My friend Rosalie says that every time a patient dies that she believes they linger around the hospital for at least an hour.
So I was sitting in the office with the night nursing supervisor and shes giving me report about what went on over night and what I can expect during the day as per usual. Then she starts telling me how tired she was cause she worked all night (12 hours) But was up and at the hospital at 1pm the day before as one of her friends was in the hospital dying.
I tell her how sorry I am to hear that and she explains that yea he was really sick so hes in a better place now.
Then we both go back to our respective jobs when all of a sudden a huge pile of paper that was tucked into one of the other supervisors' mailbox neatly suddenly goes flying. (I dont see it happen but i hear it.)
She was shocked and said hey I didnt do anything and pages one of the other staff that knew this friend to come look.
They both were a little shaken and said yea that is something their friend might have done. A way of saying i'm still here and I am still a prankster.
I guess I woulda been shaken too but I didnt know the person who had passed. But I did admit that the papers logically shouldnt have "Fallen" like that. In fact I was there when that supervisor was telling me that she had finally gone through her cubby and cleaned out alot of stuff. Everything was in there nice and neat and flat.
Makes you wonder doesn't it?
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Another Year
So today is my Birthday.... another year has gone by.
Do i feel different........ no
Do i feel older............ no
A total of 4 folks have wished me happy birthday. One of whom yelled at me.
"I didn't know it was your birthday girl! happy birthday" LOL gotta love her.
Anyway I don't feel like its right to advertise, I feel kinda funny like I am begging for that old..... oh yea happy birthday.
Years ago I woulda cared. I remember one year being in tears cause no one remembered.
But now I can look within and have peace with that fact if people do or dont say something. I don't mind. Its like when two old friends can look at each other and nod silently to each other in greeting. I feel like sometimes I have that peace within myself.
Today I am content. I am another year older.
/cheers!
Do i feel different........ no
Do i feel older............ no
A total of 4 folks have wished me happy birthday. One of whom yelled at me.
"I didn't know it was your birthday girl! happy birthday" LOL gotta love her.
Anyway I don't feel like its right to advertise, I feel kinda funny like I am begging for that old..... oh yea happy birthday.
Years ago I woulda cared. I remember one year being in tears cause no one remembered.
But now I can look within and have peace with that fact if people do or dont say something. I don't mind. Its like when two old friends can look at each other and nod silently to each other in greeting. I feel like sometimes I have that peace within myself.
Today I am content. I am another year older.
/cheers!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
Too much
Too much on my plate and I am not hungry enough to eat.......
Go figure
Posts will probabably slow down for a bit....
Go figure
Posts will probabably slow down for a bit....
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
I Am
I am and have become what people have wanted me to be. More attuned to RL, away from those "Games". And where has it left me.
I miss people. People I have come to care about. People that have made me laugh. Cry even. I dont care who you are some of those "games" have held meaning to me. Have held a hella of a lot more but we wont go there shall we.
I sat outside today. My new surroundings can afford me that. Without the judgement of my crazy assed former neigbors i can sit there. I sit and wonder at the trees. What can they tell me that others have not. Where am I right now that I have embraced and allowed myself to make others happy.
Am I happy? I know they are. I am not the same person anymore. Glued to a computer. Bound by some virtual laws that say, you must be there at 7pm sharp! You must do this and that and the other thing.
I know I'm not happy .......... I am doing the one thing i vowed i didnt want to do. Become what I am not to make someone happy.
I'll go back to it soon I know. Cause there are people that care about me and I about them. It is my only connection to them..... for now....... I'll wait.... they'll be there I know.
I used to know that everyone needs somewhere to go where they can be who they wanna be instead of who they are.
Am I becoming who I dont wanna be, to make others happy, instead of who makes me happy?
food for thought........ food for thought........
I miss people. People I have come to care about. People that have made me laugh. Cry even. I dont care who you are some of those "games" have held meaning to me. Have held a hella of a lot more but we wont go there shall we.
I sat outside today. My new surroundings can afford me that. Without the judgement of my crazy assed former neigbors i can sit there. I sit and wonder at the trees. What can they tell me that others have not. Where am I right now that I have embraced and allowed myself to make others happy.
Am I happy? I know they are. I am not the same person anymore. Glued to a computer. Bound by some virtual laws that say, you must be there at 7pm sharp! You must do this and that and the other thing.
I know I'm not happy .......... I am doing the one thing i vowed i didnt want to do. Become what I am not to make someone happy.
I'll go back to it soon I know. Cause there are people that care about me and I about them. It is my only connection to them..... for now....... I'll wait.... they'll be there I know.
I used to know that everyone needs somewhere to go where they can be who they wanna be instead of who they are.
Am I becoming who I dont wanna be, to make others happy, instead of who makes me happy?
food for thought........ food for thought........
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Look
Quote from "Chasing Amy"
"well look at this morose lookin mother f*&@er here"
Well it went something like that... I'm too tired to look it up now.
I realize my post's have been getting more and more, well, depressing. And for that I am sorry. I don't deal well with pain that other cause me.
I am trying to move on. Bear with me. Everything isn't going to be all pink and fuzzy ya know.
One of my favorite blog spots to hit is here. I found it cause she had made a post called my life. no apologies. She coulda been writing about me only I haven't found my peace yet. I go there for the comfort she brings. And she doesn't even know it ~Sigh.
Anyway I bookmarked that page till i got smart and bookmarked the actual home page of her blog. Yet for some reason i kept the one for that particular posting. There it is on my nice little list of bookmarks.... the words........ "my life no apologies." I smile every time i see it.
No apologies for my morose postings. It's my life....
"well look at this morose lookin mother f*&@er here"
Well it went something like that... I'm too tired to look it up now.
I realize my post's have been getting more and more, well, depressing. And for that I am sorry. I don't deal well with pain that other cause me.
I am trying to move on. Bear with me. Everything isn't going to be all pink and fuzzy ya know.
One of my favorite blog spots to hit is here. I found it cause she had made a post called my life. no apologies. She coulda been writing about me only I haven't found my peace yet. I go there for the comfort she brings. And she doesn't even know it ~Sigh.
Anyway I bookmarked that page till i got smart and bookmarked the actual home page of her blog. Yet for some reason i kept the one for that particular posting. There it is on my nice little list of bookmarks.... the words........ "my life no apologies." I smile every time i see it.
No apologies for my morose postings. It's my life....
The Friend I never knew I never had
Sometimes in life you meet people. You grow a friendship with them. Sometimes you grow to love them.
Suddenly they are gone. Not a word, not a shout, not a hollar. Not even a F-U.
That happens and you can only think of what it was you did wrong. First you feel the pain of the loss. You look within yourself as the days of silence grow longer and longer. You beat yourself up and wonder what it is, what did you do to make this person suddenly..... dissappear.
Sometimes you can leave it at that.... in time you can move on, maybe remember sadly of the ones who just arent there anymore.
Or sometimes you can do what I do and freak out. After a few weeks of waiting you can start sending the emails.... saying the words of frustration.... they all boil down to you saying dude... wtf.....
Then they come at you and the damage is done..... you can tell....
The pain comes back but now you know. This person just needed you for a little while. When they are done with you, you are easy to dispose of. The friend you never knew that you never had is probably the one that is going to hurt you the most.
You know who you are.
Suddenly they are gone. Not a word, not a shout, not a hollar. Not even a F-U.
That happens and you can only think of what it was you did wrong. First you feel the pain of the loss. You look within yourself as the days of silence grow longer and longer. You beat yourself up and wonder what it is, what did you do to make this person suddenly..... dissappear.
Sometimes you can leave it at that.... in time you can move on, maybe remember sadly of the ones who just arent there anymore.
Or sometimes you can do what I do and freak out. After a few weeks of waiting you can start sending the emails.... saying the words of frustration.... they all boil down to you saying dude... wtf.....
Then they come at you and the damage is done..... you can tell....
The pain comes back but now you know. This person just needed you for a little while. When they are done with you, you are easy to dispose of. The friend you never knew that you never had is probably the one that is going to hurt you the most.
You know who you are.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
You learn........
When I saw this I had to choke back some tears at how profound it was. It is so damn true. I am still reeling from some major changes going on with friends just suddenly up and leaving. Forcing the rest of us to move on to new things or try to piece together what was left behind.
Amazing what can be said with so little words.......
Saturday, May 10, 2008
hmmmm
A fella who saw my pic just said I had "kissable" lips. He raved on and on about how cute i was yadda yadda yadda.
Even tho I stressed the point that well, like most girls I picked the best picture of me i could find (taken like 4 years ago lol) He still thinks this way.
Should we meet I am afraid I will disappoint.
Should I pick a crappy picture to show all would be suiters? Even he said himself tho that he picked the best of his lot cause he works in advertisement and well one should sell oneself........
I think for women tho it doesnt work quite the same way........... I think much like the idea of stuffing one's bra so one looks like they are double D's even tho they really have bug bites for tits, i think its bad to lead guys astray this way... what is the right way?
Oh yea before i forget i do have double d's but still..... any other pic other then the ones I show to the public are totally horrid!
Even tho I stressed the point that well, like most girls I picked the best picture of me i could find (taken like 4 years ago lol) He still thinks this way.
Should we meet I am afraid I will disappoint.
Should I pick a crappy picture to show all would be suiters? Even he said himself tho that he picked the best of his lot cause he works in advertisement and well one should sell oneself........
I think for women tho it doesnt work quite the same way........... I think much like the idea of stuffing one's bra so one looks like they are double D's even tho they really have bug bites for tits, i think its bad to lead guys astray this way... what is the right way?
Oh yea before i forget i do have double d's but still..... any other pic other then the ones I show to the public are totally horrid!
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Changes
Sometimes things happen in your life. People change and move on to bigger and better things. And it is hard for us.
We get to comfortable with the norm and when someone chooses to break away from that we cry out oh no!!!! It should be this way forever. You and me and my dog blue! Don't go.
Even tho that is the god's honest truth it is hard to see anyone move on or away from the close comfortable nitch we found eachother in. Its hard to tell if its harder for us or harder for the person choosing to move on.
Several people in my life have recently moved on and while I am sad to see them go I know they are doing what they feel is best for their own happyness.
Wish I didnt have to say goodbye.
We get to comfortable with the norm and when someone chooses to break away from that we cry out oh no!!!! It should be this way forever. You and me and my dog blue! Don't go.
Even tho that is the god's honest truth it is hard to see anyone move on or away from the close comfortable nitch we found eachother in. Its hard to tell if its harder for us or harder for the person choosing to move on.
Several people in my life have recently moved on and while I am sad to see them go I know they are doing what they feel is best for their own happyness.
Wish I didnt have to say goodbye.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Where
Where to go from here........ that is the question............
Did you move on from something or someone you have been with forever.......... Did you let something go that you have held on to forever..........
Thats kinda the boat i am in right now. I wanna let it go but I dont know how. I would love to hear from others in the same boat. Is it drugs..... is it sexual....... is it a game? This is where I am right now... trying to let go if IT ....... yet IT and its members try to keep me soul bound.......
Are you lonely cause you are fighting your own IT...... Me too....... lets talk.....
Did you move on from something or someone you have been with forever.......... Did you let something go that you have held on to forever..........
Thats kinda the boat i am in right now. I wanna let it go but I dont know how. I would love to hear from others in the same boat. Is it drugs..... is it sexual....... is it a game? This is where I am right now... trying to let go if IT ....... yet IT and its members try to keep me soul bound.......
Are you lonely cause you are fighting your own IT...... Me too....... lets talk.....
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Gotta Start Somewhere
Like the title says I don't know where to start but at the beginning.
Who am I? I am Laura, and here you can follow me as I ride this rocky roller coaster called life. I have my ups but I mainly have my downs, and I am hoping to find some peace by writing about them.
I don't consider myself special. I don't expect a massive following if any. But I am doing this for me and hope maybe just maybe someone out there might just read this. And I wont feel alone anymore.
Who am I? I am Laura, and here you can follow me as I ride this rocky roller coaster called life. I have my ups but I mainly have my downs, and I am hoping to find some peace by writing about them.
I don't consider myself special. I don't expect a massive following if any. But I am doing this for me and hope maybe just maybe someone out there might just read this. And I wont feel alone anymore.
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