I Am

I am and have become what people have wanted me to be. More attuned to RL, away from those "Games". And where has it left me.

I miss people. People I have come to care about. People that have made me laugh. Cry even. I dont care who you are some of those "games" have held meaning to me. Have held a hella of a lot more but we wont go there shall we.

I sat outside today. My new surroundings can afford me that. Without the judgement of my crazy assed former neigbors i can sit there. I sit and wonder at the trees. What can they tell me that others have not. Where am I right now that I have embraced and allowed myself to make others happy.

Am I happy? I know they are. I am not the same person anymore. Glued to a computer. Bound by some virtual laws that say, you must be there at 7pm sharp! You must do this and that and the other thing.

I know I'm not happy .......... I am doing the one thing i vowed i didnt want to do. Become what I am not to make someone happy.

I'll go back to it soon I know. Cause there are people that care about me and I about them. It is my only connection to them..... for now....... I'll wait.... they'll be there I know.

I used to know that everyone needs somewhere to go where they can be who they wanna be instead of who they are.

Am I becoming who I dont wanna be, to make others happy, instead of who makes me happy?

food for thought........ food for thought........

The Friend I never knew I never had

Sometimes in life you meet people. You grow a friendship with them. Sometimes you grow to love them.

Suddenly they are gone. Not a word, not a shout, not a hollar. Not even a F-U.

That happens and you can only think of what it was you did wrong. First you feel the pain of the loss. You look within yourself as the days of silence grow longer and longer. You beat yourself up and wonder what it is, what did you do to make this person suddenly..... dissappear.

Sometimes you can leave it at that.... in time you can move on, maybe remember sadly of the ones who just arent there anymore.

Or sometimes you can do what I do and freak out. After a few weeks of waiting you can start sending the emails.... saying the words of frustration.... they all boil down to you saying dude... wtf.....

Then they come at you and the damage is done..... you can tell....

The pain comes back but now you know. This person just needed you for a little while. When they are done with you, you are easy to dispose of. The friend you never knew that you never had is probably the one that is going to hurt you the most.

You know who you are.

Where

Where to go from here........ that is the question............

Did you move on from something or someone you have been with forever.......... Did you let something go that you have held on to forever..........

Thats kinda the boat i am in right now. I wanna let it go but I dont know how. I would love to hear from others in the same boat. Is it drugs..... is it sexual....... is it a game? This is where I am right now... trying to let go if IT ....... yet IT and its members try to keep me soul bound.......

Are you lonely cause you are fighting your own IT...... Me too....... lets talk.....