Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Monday, February 2, 2009
Story Time
There's this story about a man who has an argument with the love of his life. In a fit of rage he saddles up his horse and decides to leave to cool off. She tells him that if he is not back in 3 days she will be gone.
He wanders around for 2 days enjoying the solitude and comfort of nature and after the end of the 2nd day he decides he wants to go back to the love of his life.
On the way back he comes across this swamp of which he is not sure if he should go around it or through it. He sees this little boy and he asks him, "hey is the bottom of this swamp solid ground?"
The little boy says "yes sir".
So the man coaxes his horse forward and into the swamp. Once he gets in he finds himself and his horse starting to sink and when he is up to his neck in swamp he shouts back to the boy.... "Hey I thought that you said the bottom was solid!"
The boy replies, "It is sir... you just havent gotten there yet!".
My advice to you.... take the long way around in life. You may loose people you love on the way but you really dont need them to validate your existance. Don't drown and loose yourself cause people can't wait for you. Or be there for you when you are ready for them. If they truely love you they will be there, from when you meet them, while they wait, and until the end.
He wanders around for 2 days enjoying the solitude and comfort of nature and after the end of the 2nd day he decides he wants to go back to the love of his life.
On the way back he comes across this swamp of which he is not sure if he should go around it or through it. He sees this little boy and he asks him, "hey is the bottom of this swamp solid ground?"
The little boy says "yes sir".
So the man coaxes his horse forward and into the swamp. Once he gets in he finds himself and his horse starting to sink and when he is up to his neck in swamp he shouts back to the boy.... "Hey I thought that you said the bottom was solid!"
The boy replies, "It is sir... you just havent gotten there yet!".
My advice to you.... take the long way around in life. You may loose people you love on the way but you really dont need them to validate your existance. Don't drown and loose yourself cause people can't wait for you. Or be there for you when you are ready for them. If they truely love you they will be there, from when you meet them, while they wait, and until the end.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Haven't posted in a while..........
Imagine if you will years spent alone, not necessarily by myself but feeling like a glove on a shelf without its match, not much use.
One day I chance to find a cd, and from the first song I am struck - pow! - and every surrounding sound fades away. I know the songs, I could have written them. I don't know the words, but this is the music that's been playing in my head my entire life. Mysterious.. how can a stranger sing a song that grabs my soul and shakes it and says, "Hey YOU! Wake up! I want to dance..." and all of a sudden: Inspiration. The future has become a positive, instead of the long dull fall through eternity (end quote). Tragedy is tramping his tawny bones sullenly out the back door while Comedy is bounding up the front steps for a bear hug. The awe-some sound continues, through the second song and the third. Two minutes into the fourth, the song that makes me move my feet and drum on my thighs whether I like it or not, two minutes in, two unbelievable and exhilarating minutes in, the music has become so intense I could die, and then the CD skips... in my excitement I kicked the table and now gasp in horror at the spoiled perfection of a quarter of a second of sound trapped in a loop, "Ra..Ra..Ra..Ra..Ra..Ra...."
What do I do now? I couldn't restart it where it left off, wouldn't make any sense.. I tried starting the song over, but I couldn't stop anticipating what I had already heard. How do I recapture the novelty of a First Kiss? I have to listen to the CD all over again, and not right away either, first I had to forget. For hundreds of days, I've forgotten, and I've remembered. Each day I've forgotten more of the words, the rhythms, the notes, but I've remembered the way I danced to it. So now I'm left with something that couldn't even be called a memory, more like an imprint, the soundtrack to my life, I've got a song stuck in my head that I don't know the words to. I think it's time to listen to it again..
One day I chance to find a cd, and from the first song I am struck - pow! - and every surrounding sound fades away. I know the songs, I could have written them. I don't know the words, but this is the music that's been playing in my head my entire life. Mysterious.. how can a stranger sing a song that grabs my soul and shakes it and says, "Hey YOU! Wake up! I want to dance..." and all of a sudden: Inspiration. The future has become a positive, instead of the long dull fall through eternity (end quote). Tragedy is tramping his tawny bones sullenly out the back door while Comedy is bounding up the front steps for a bear hug. The awe-some sound continues, through the second song and the third. Two minutes into the fourth, the song that makes me move my feet and drum on my thighs whether I like it or not, two minutes in, two unbelievable and exhilarating minutes in, the music has become so intense I could die, and then the CD skips... in my excitement I kicked the table and now gasp in horror at the spoiled perfection of a quarter of a second of sound trapped in a loop, "Ra..Ra..Ra..Ra..Ra..Ra...."
What do I do now? I couldn't restart it where it left off, wouldn't make any sense.. I tried starting the song over, but I couldn't stop anticipating what I had already heard. How do I recapture the novelty of a First Kiss? I have to listen to the CD all over again, and not right away either, first I had to forget. For hundreds of days, I've forgotten, and I've remembered. Each day I've forgotten more of the words, the rhythms, the notes, but I've remembered the way I danced to it. So now I'm left with something that couldn't even be called a memory, more like an imprint, the soundtrack to my life, I've got a song stuck in my head that I don't know the words to. I think it's time to listen to it again..
Saturday, September 6, 2008
My "stoic" upbringing
My "stoic" upbringing
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stoicism
Well thats what my parents called it anyway. A "stoic" upbringing apparently was the thing to do back in those days.
No feelings, no affection, and if you did something wrong the punishments were severe.
My parents who were alcholics treated us as nothing more then bar tenders and house keepers. Frequently sending us to get them "refills" and to toss the old cans/bottles out and to get them new ones and you better make sure you open the new ones for them too.
As the alcohol flowed the abuse from my father got much much worse. I have vivid memories of him first destroying all my brothers records all over the house. and then him jumping up and down on my brother's leg during one of his fits. This was the only time I ever saw my mother step in to stop him cause "she didnt want to take him to the hospital".
My brothers used to say I was lucky cause I was the only girl and he didnt seem to hit me as much. For a while they were right.
When school started I used to be the first one home from school and I would sometimes find that my father was also home and drinking. Since no one was around, and I was the first one home I was his first target to vent any of his frustrations after work. There were several times I would come home and he would just start beating the crap out of me. Many times with me shouting to him "why why why what did i do" usually he had no answer and would tell me to shut up.
One day after being his punching bag for the afternoon I snuck out of the house to get away for a bit. I came across one my neigbors (also my godfather as luck will have it) who was standing in his dog pen yelling at his dog. Curious I stopped to see what was going on and with horror I watched as he started to kick and beat this dog up. Picking him up a few times and throwing him against the dog house.
When he was done he just looked at me and said "damn dog" and went into the house. I went into the dog pen and hugged the poor thing and made sure it was alright. It was shivering and weakly wagging its tail at me. I had a good long cry then. As I left i whispered to the dog... "i know what you are going through".
After a while I went back home and from then on I leared to go "numb" whenever my father turned his rage on me. I would be scared when he turned it towards my brothers or when he and my mother had their nasty arguments.
To this day I still have that abilty to go numb. I dont cry for myself. I do however have lots of empathy for others and I will cry for others even complete strangers.
I don't truely wish for others to be worried about me or say "oh my gosh how horrible for you". I feel like the "stoic" upbringing has made me who I am today. I dont feel sorry for myself, I dont dwell on it cause I know I had to move past it, almost as if it never even happened. Cause if I let it back in I feel it will crush me.
Time for movin on.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stoicism
Well thats what my parents called it anyway. A "stoic" upbringing apparently was the thing to do back in those days.
No feelings, no affection, and if you did something wrong the punishments were severe.
My parents who were alcholics treated us as nothing more then bar tenders and house keepers. Frequently sending us to get them "refills" and to toss the old cans/bottles out and to get them new ones and you better make sure you open the new ones for them too.
As the alcohol flowed the abuse from my father got much much worse. I have vivid memories of him first destroying all my brothers records all over the house. and then him jumping up and down on my brother's leg during one of his fits. This was the only time I ever saw my mother step in to stop him cause "she didnt want to take him to the hospital".
My brothers used to say I was lucky cause I was the only girl and he didnt seem to hit me as much. For a while they were right.
When school started I used to be the first one home from school and I would sometimes find that my father was also home and drinking. Since no one was around, and I was the first one home I was his first target to vent any of his frustrations after work. There were several times I would come home and he would just start beating the crap out of me. Many times with me shouting to him "why why why what did i do" usually he had no answer and would tell me to shut up.
One day after being his punching bag for the afternoon I snuck out of the house to get away for a bit. I came across one my neigbors (also my godfather as luck will have it) who was standing in his dog pen yelling at his dog. Curious I stopped to see what was going on and with horror I watched as he started to kick and beat this dog up. Picking him up a few times and throwing him against the dog house.
When he was done he just looked at me and said "damn dog" and went into the house. I went into the dog pen and hugged the poor thing and made sure it was alright. It was shivering and weakly wagging its tail at me. I had a good long cry then. As I left i whispered to the dog... "i know what you are going through".
After a while I went back home and from then on I leared to go "numb" whenever my father turned his rage on me. I would be scared when he turned it towards my brothers or when he and my mother had their nasty arguments.
To this day I still have that abilty to go numb. I dont cry for myself. I do however have lots of empathy for others and I will cry for others even complete strangers.
I don't truely wish for others to be worried about me or say "oh my gosh how horrible for you". I feel like the "stoic" upbringing has made me who I am today. I dont feel sorry for myself, I dont dwell on it cause I know I had to move past it, almost as if it never even happened. Cause if I let it back in I feel it will crush me.
Time for movin on.
Storm Front
As I sit here in NJ and wait for the reminants of the hurricane to hit us, I noticed havent written in a while, been kinda busy with summer events and whatnot. The most recent was a trip to GA to see my brother.
I traveled down to GA by car and offered to bring my mother along since with her being so old and having such bad eyesite, unless my father gets off his butt and brings her down she would have never seen the place.
My brother and I spent alot of time getting her to talk about the old days and us growing up. My childhood, as many of you who have seen my myspace blog know, was not all rosie and peachy so this was a very touchy subject.
I'll probably spend a bit of time exploring it here in the next few blogs. First I'll post what I have already posted on myspace then take it from there. It seems as tho we have opened pandora's box.
I traveled down to GA by car and offered to bring my mother along since with her being so old and having such bad eyesite, unless my father gets off his butt and brings her down she would have never seen the place.
My brother and I spent alot of time getting her to talk about the old days and us growing up. My childhood, as many of you who have seen my myspace blog know, was not all rosie and peachy so this was a very touchy subject.
I'll probably spend a bit of time exploring it here in the next few blogs. First I'll post what I have already posted on myspace then take it from there. It seems as tho we have opened pandora's box.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Bittersweet Vigal
There is a bittersweet vigal going on in my life.
First a newborn baby boy. All giggles all happyness pure and sweet and innocent. One can feel nothing but joy around him.
Second his mommy. Clinging to life after giving birth to him. Chances to survive are grim. Every hour that passes brings her closer to the end.
Perhaps the family can take comfort in the fact that the sweet little boy will live on. He will be her legacy.
Do they laugh and smile at the newfound joy, or cry at the loss.
One request tonight.... pray for them.... their's is not an easy road ahead.
First a newborn baby boy. All giggles all happyness pure and sweet and innocent. One can feel nothing but joy around him.
Second his mommy. Clinging to life after giving birth to him. Chances to survive are grim. Every hour that passes brings her closer to the end.
Perhaps the family can take comfort in the fact that the sweet little boy will live on. He will be her legacy.
Do they laugh and smile at the newfound joy, or cry at the loss.
One request tonight.... pray for them.... their's is not an easy road ahead.
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